I am about to be happy.

That’s where most of us live most of the time.

Right after- We get the job, the partner, the baby, the handstand, the work slows down, the work speeds up, good friends call, people leave me alone, the house cleaned up, the book published and the weight down.

Most of our lives are spent in the space of “about to.”

Over the years, I have spent my fair share of time in depression, worry, low self-esteem, and uncertainty.  I have had my heart broken more times than I can remember, and have wrestled with the deep dark.  My vulnerability has sometimes been an asset and sometimes a liability.

But my hope and willingness to work in the dark in order to feel the light has always been there too.

This year I have spent a lot of time on the brink of something.  Lots of things are in flux for my family, and I decided I better find my footing even when nothing seems tacked down.

The biggest thing in the room is Mama’s cancer.  Her diagnosis of stage four metastatic breast cancer is ominous, and we are not sure what will happen next.  She is teaching me that we don’t need to know the next.  We need to find gifts in the now, and the best thing I can offer her is my presence.  Her consistency in seeing joy each day and choosing to “wake up living” instead of “wake up dying” is something to behold.  I am taking very stenciled notes at how she writes her own story, because her perspective is all about peace in the space of “about to.”

There are medium and small things in the room like potential pregnancy, book […]